Film Review: Soft Beds, Hard Battles

Fascists Foiled By Fatal Flatulence In Naughty Knockabout Knocking-Shop Farce.

Not really that relevant to my wargaming interests, this, I guess, except inasmuch as it's set in WWII and it's a guilty-pleasure, perhaps!? Soft Beds, Hard Battles is an odd film; mostly pure farce, but shot through with streaks of dark absurdist humour. I think it's actually quite a bit cleverer than the blatant displays of boobs and innuendo might at first suggest.

The basis of the plot is that English Major Robinson (Peter Sellers), who misses the boat for Dunkirk when his motorbike won't start, hides out in the high-class Parisian bordello he's been visiting. Very soon after this the Germans arrive, and Gen. von Grotjahn (Curd Jürgens) visits - or rather renews his acquaintanceship with - Madame Grenier (Lila Kedrova) and her charges, bringing Adolf Hitler (Sellers) and other top brass to see one of the 'highlights' of Paris.

The film has an American in a prominent role, the rather wet Alan Cassidy (Rex Stallings), and what I'll describe as a 'Voice of America' style commentary, presumably to aid the film's prospects of performing (titter) across the pond. After Robinson kills his first German officer, Cassidy and the ladies of the cathouse are gradually drawn deeper into the affair (chortle), as the Major leaves them to dispose of the bodies, with unfortunate repercussions for another regular client of the whorehouse, the French  Gen. Latour (Sellers).

Gen. von Grotjahn resuming his acquaintance with Madame Grenier.

Herr Hitler is not in any way drawn to the ladies.

Gestapo chief Herr Schroeder (Sellers), like his ultimate boss, is somewhat Puritanical, clearly abhorring what he regards as depraved, and from the outset sets out to make life hard (eh?) for the working girls and their clientele. But Jürgens interprets the Führer's orders in a different light, and is always stymying Schroeder's efforts to investigate and close the house of ill-repute.

There's a predictable but nonetheless enjoyable sub-plot, concerning the innocent young Marie-Claude (Béatrice Romand), who relatives deposit with her aunt, Madame Grenier. Inevitably she evolves from a demur innocent young country girl into a more wanton and worldly-wise woman. Predictable as the basic thrust (harumph) of this subplot is, it's done well, and in a slightly off-kilter manner. But by the end of the film she's a quite different creature, causing the French President (Sellers) to forget himself during a post-war decoration ceremony.

A disturbing likeness.

Schroeder. Gimlet-eyed Gestapo boss.

The French Premiere, engaged in his diplomatic duties.

Sellers is excellent in his multiple guises, something he clearly loved to do. Think of Dr Strangelove, for another if quite different example. This is somewhat more in the vein of Alec Guiness in the superb classic Kind Hearts and Coronets. The latter, however, was a black and white movie that aimed for a sophisticated if dark ambience. This is is in gaudy colour, and is aimed decidedly lower - about crotch level - by and large.

I've often thought, whilst watching Sellers as Clouseau, or in many other of his actually quite diverse roles, that he had the perfect physiognomy to play Hitler. And indeed, that he often portrayed characters who had an almost grotesque or absurd air of injured dignity, a quality that I think makes him psychologically suited to the role of an unbalanced dictator, working out his personal neuroses under the guise of avenging Germany, who, like Hitler (or so he feels) has been 'betrayed' by a world he detests. Watching him play der Führer, if only fleetingly, only confirms that. It's a pity he never did a full movie in the role, as opposed to what amounts to a cameo, as here.

Yep, Sellers is a ringer for the Führer.

It's true that he's playing six very broadly drawn caricatures. Sure, they deliberately play to stereotypes. But isn't that the point? And they are well observed and well played, as well as being broad-brushstroke. And in the Hitler and Schroeder characters Sellers conveys both the absurdity and menace inherent in such people. I personally think this film is as satirical as it is farcical. When I read a one-star review of the DVD on Amazon UK's website, describing it as 'soft-porn Allo Allo', whilst admitting that on one level the recveiwer's not wrong, I think they're missing the point. 

Georgian caricaturists could be very crude, violent and lewd, and were, more often than not, peddling thinly dressed-up establishment propaganda, but we recognise that there's some art and sophistication as well as ribaldry and grounds for litigation in their work. Admittedly this film doesn't have the sophistication of, say, Dr Strangelove, or the best works of Gillray, but it does have a darker side, and one that's possible to read as critical of the hypocrisy of mainstream chest-thumping war narratives. As the Padre (Vernon Dobtchev) says, 'war makes strange bedfellows'.

Rob Freeborn does Sellers' make up. Freeborn is best known as the man who created Yoda (a hybrid of himself and Einstein!), for the original Star Wars.

And, contrary to the feelings of some, who are not so impressed with this aspect of the film, I think the make-up department did a splendid job in facilitating Sellers' pre-CGI chameleon-like transformations, from his geriatric French general, to his dashing British agent. Even his Japanese make-up and character are better than the overtly low-brow tone might imply; 'you rike suck-ee?' (sake) says Prince Kyoto, to the pretty young 'nun' on her knees before him. Certainly the Sellers/Kyoto transformation is much better than Sean '007' Connery's very lame Japanese fisherman in You Only Live Twice.

According to the credits Sellers also did the narration. Although the only extra-feature on my DVD of the film casts some doubt on this: the extras consist of numerous short clips featuring parts of the original 107 minute film edited out for the 97 minute theatrical release, and have what is clearly Seller's narrating, but with a French accent. 

Did he also do the American narration? Which, incidentally, differs in content as well as delivery. Whatever the answer is, even the  American voice-over (and its satirical nature would perhaps be more overtly clear if it definitely was Sellers) - like the content it communicates - still undercuts the straight-laced 'Voice-of-America' style delivery. 

I would say that rather than being as dumb as it might at first make itself out to be, Soft Beds, Hard Battles is more absurdist. As some reviewers on the Amazon UK website have noted, life's too important to be taken too seriously, and a species that holds itself to ransom over a kettle-full of uranium... well, quite! 

Speaking of which:

Sellers as another nutty Kraut, superbly combining farcical humour with dark satire.

And then, finally and perhaps most importantly, it IS actually funny. At times very funny. There comes a point in the plot, in keeping with the flimsy silliness of the basic premise, where the 'undercovers' black-ops are stepped up several gears, by the introduction of a chemical weapon, with amusingly dire consequences for the military plans and bowels of the Third Reich. 

Fatal flatulence alone is guaranteed to make me chortle. It's a shame they edited one of the fart fatalities out. They also removed a scene featuring Hitler deciding to drop his invasion of Britain, instead opting to attack Russia, on the advice of a Nazi-gypsy lady with a crystal ball!

Prudishness or politically correct dogma could very well make this uncomfortable viewing for some, but we (my wife and I) thoroughly enjoyed it. Certainly not a classic, like Dr Strangelove, but not as bad as most review aggregators suggest, and still, in my view, definitely worth seeing. 

Kit Review: 1/72 WWII - Roden Sdkfz 234/2 Puma

Roden have, hands down, in my view, the best and most attractive box art on the current 1/72 model scene. Proper old-fashioned painted artworks. Bravo, Roden!

I love the Roden box paintings: this one is not just a great illustration of the vehicle, but an image full of atmosphere, with rain, mist and the woods, and a really cool, well-chosen angle of view, close to the ground, making  for a dramatic composition, and getting excellent mileage out of the wet ground surface. Brilliant!

I originally started making this kit about six or more months ago. I got as far as constructing the turret and spare wheel, and then, for reasons long forgotten, set it aside. Since then we've moved home, and I've been very lucky not to lose this (and several other kits), as unbeknownst to myself, I'd left several incomplete models at the old place. I was visiting a model making pal in my old turf, yesterday evening, just around the corner from our former home. So I thought I'd check if the new owners had moved in, and if they had any post for Teresa or me. They did. Beacoup de post!

Resuming work on the Puma: Turret complete (but aerial broken!); spare wheel missing; running gear cleaned, ready for assembly.

And as I stood sheepishly watching the new residents of our aulde home sorting out a pile of post for us, I spotted a pile of models. Thank goodness the nice new folks hadn't simply binned 'em all! There was even an Apollo lunar module, in amongst all the German armour. The latter belongs to one of my buddies, who I'm trying to get into model making.

I appear to have lost the spare wheel for the Puma, but considering I very nearly lost five models (this Puma, the Apollo, two SPGs and a half-track!), I consider that a minor loss. Indeed, it makes my wonder if I might try my hand at casting a resin wheel using one of the road wheels, thereby turning the loss into a learning opportunity. Hmm? We shall see... That'd require some investment of time and money, neither of which are plentiful right now.

Moved ahead, leaving wheels unassembled, and cleaned up mudguards and associated stowage bumpf.

Back to the kit itself. Due to the bitty schedule in the making of this kit (on my part), I didn't holograph the spruces... Eh!? Holograph the spruces! That's predictive text for you. I didn't photograph the sprues, instruction, decals, etc. And I can't be doing with trying to do that now, what with the model well underway. It is worth noting, however, that the model is, on the whole, very cleanly and crisply moulded. There's precious little flash, and most of the parts fit snugly together. 

Did I speak too soon regarding flash? Well, not really. This was the worst bit on the entire kit.

I find the preponderance of black styrene parts in this model - the main 'body' sprue is light grey, the rest is black - a little odd. It's not something I've seen before. Most kits have one colour for the bulk of the kit, and I've never seen that in black yet, and just the tracks in black. On this trackless vehicle having the wheels black, esp. the tires, has a kind of logic of some sort. But the kit builds up into an unusual looking two-tone affair, prior to painting. It's also easier to lose small dark bits of plastic, esp. if you're model-making is usually in the darker evening time!

The only bit not to go together smoothly was the insertion of the turret; not enough (any!?) clearance for the 'pegs'.

Circumcision? I had to cut away some of the male part. I actually had to go back and cut away more than is shown here, before the turret went in.

This stagewent together nicely, and was fun to build. I needed photo ref to help me place various bits of stowage.

Rather strangely, to my mind, this kit has the doors of the side stowage bins, integral to the skirts/mudguard, as separately moulded pieces. So, in theory one could model these open (although there's no internal detail). What would've been much better is to have had the crew hatches and drivers viewing ports as separate parts, pref with internal face detail and hinges. This is esp. so given the internal detail, as it'd mean you could perhaps glimpse some of it, or add crew figures, etc.

Although this is a different variant, I like the camo pattern, and may go this route when I paint the vehicle.

A fair number of the photos that came up when I googled 'SdKfz 234 Puma' were knocked-out hulks. This is a particularly nice Panzer graveyard pic, what with the Panther and the trees and buildings, and the tinted monochrome effect.

I managed to get another stint at the modelling table in before bedtime. This means that today I'll have done 90% of this Roden Puma build. Although I didn't take any snaps at the very end of the session, the wheels and most of the suspension doodads, etc, are all in position. This is the most complex aspect of this build. 

There's some interior detail, as well. But I left that out this time. I usually do it, regardless of whether it'll be visible by the end of the build. But this time I could'nae be arsed. Plus there are no upper deck hatches one can leave open (without getting into conversion territory, which I'm not up for in this occasion).

This part was originally one piece, but separating it from the sprue resulted in this little trio of bits.

Everything so far, laid out, prior to assembly of suspension elements.

I'm wondering about substituting stretched-sprue antennae, and poss. painting the wheels before hull assembly, so as to try out some new techniques, in bringing out detail and adding weathering on the tyres. I had also contemplated having some of the wheels aligned as if turning, but as this part of the model is so complex and fiddly I eventually opted to keep it very simple, and have all the wheels (as far as I could!) in line.

One or two parts of this kit, e.g. the little grey rhomboid shapes at each corner of the hull (the small as yet unattached bits), don't seem to be numbered right in the instructions. Where this happens I just consult ref and/or use my intuition/common sense,

I pondered on this stage for a while, as I could see it was going to be tricky getting the parts to sit and glue right. The wishbone leaf suspension elements only touch the axle/wheel assembly in very small area, and there's the free-floating weight of the part where the main axle enters the chassis.

In the end I used the edge of my cutting mat, which, rather fortuitously, seemed about the right height for the job.

Once I'd found a way to get one pair of wheels glued to the axle I went ahead with all of them, as pictured below. What I didn't photograph - just had to turn in (late/tired/work is early-start tomorrow) - was the final step I did before bedtime, gluing all the wheels onto the chassis. This also involved adding some of the smallest and fiddliest parts of the kit to the underside.

All that's left to do now is put the chassis, mudguards, and upper body together, and add a few final parts, such as the front bumper, and she'll be ready to start painting. I now have both a new airbrush, and a generator (thanks to Paul C for the latter), so my growing queue of unfinished models will - if all the airbrush bits are working ok - soon be going into Der 'Operating Theatre'!

UPDATE, 27/4/16: After a lost weekend - lost, alas, to a brief viral cold - it's back in the model-making saddle, finishing off the Roden Puma. The first job was to assemble the body, mudguards, etc. And then I finally finished all the fiddly stuff underneath. This was not as the instructions suggested, but I thought that some of the sequencing in the instructions could definitely be improved upon, as could some issues of clarity.

The little hooks (still attached to stubs of sprue) above, weren't even referred to in the assembly instructions. And the orientation of the rear exhaust 'cans' was something I had to check against ref, as it didn't seem right. Both aerials ended up snapping, so I may replace them with stretched sproooo, or I might use real wire. What's a good rigid wire for this sort of job, anybody?

The Puma joins my growing collection of recently built and as yet unpainted German armour. The partially built / painted kits below were amongst the stuff I recently salvaged from our former home. There's stacks more unfinished stuff in several boxes, awaiting my arrival in airbrush-ville. I do already have an airbrush that will undercoat models (poss two now, as there was also another single-action brush attached to the compressors hose). But I've now also  got the Omni 4000, a full-on dual-action airbrush, for everything from detail to blocking in colours, plus I've finally got a compressor.

Rather annoyingly though, as the pic below shoes, my male and female bits, 'twixt brush and hose, aren't compatible. Can't wait till I get the adaptor, so I can finally start 'proper' detail spraying!

Salute, 2016

I didn't buy many figures this year. The only Wargaming figures I picked up were these 20mm AB Germans.

Sir Antony of Barton sure knows how to sculpt! These guys look so natural. I love 'em. Gluing the bike together was a pain tho'. Oh how I hate cyano-acrolite glue!

This isn't really a show report, as such. I'm never thorough enough at a show to really attempt such a thing as that! I'm far too lazy, and narrowly focussed, as well. On that front, I have to confess I was somewhat alarum'd and diffappointed at the theme of this years show: Steampunk. 

My stalwart wife came along again, and I have to say that there were noticeably more women at this years show, mostly tagging along with men, but a few, astonishingly, by themselves, and some, even more surprisingly, apparently into it all on their own account. I mean, there was even a lady with a stand specialising in female wargaming figures, and not your usual 'tits oot' varieties either!

Well I never!

This Peninsular game - The Battle of Adrados (1811) - was quite something: beautiful 40mm figures on a stunning terrain.

A familiar Napoleonic image: a British square waits to receive French cavalry.

Now it is possible that the noticeable (and welcome, I'd say) increase in a sisterly presence was in part due to this years theme. I can only say, in my ornery curmudgeonly way, that I have more of a rear-view mirror vibe. I'll explain: I'm really far more interested in historical gaming, and even there, my narrow focus means I only really find stuff interesting if it lies between the Napoleonic era and WWII.

That period to me represents - and I haven't really ever sat down and thought this through, so I might be talking out of my fundament - the most interesting combo of large scale engagements, interesting uniforms and equipment, and the best of strategic and tactical interest: I'm occasionally quite drawn to the ECW, but even that epoch, and much more so ancient period wargaming, seems to me, essentially, to involve two more or less similar lines meeting and scrapping.

Of course, of course, there's much more to it all than that, I know. But I find my dismissive approach helps me save time and keep (relatively) focussed.

You can see why Boney loved his 'daughters'.

French cavalry making its way up the hill.

Anyway, I'll leave that digression there. Steampunk is, in many ways, a highly interesting avenue, in which the imagination runs riot, and I admire it for that aspect; the Police armoured-car-cum-traction-engine in the Salute programme was, well... cute, I guess. But - and I'm not dissing the whole genre (if, as it appears, it's bringing new blood into the hobby, great) - it's just that, so far, it hasn't really appealed to me.

I also dislike the tendency of some of the bigger companies on the more futuristic front - Wayland Games being the biggest (quite literally) - which can look a bit like they're becoming the Tescos of the hobby: huge and monopolistic. Another way in which I'm, I guess, 'old school', is that I like there to be loads of little fish, in a big pond (why are Adler never at Salute?). Certainly judging by the numbers of games and traders that side of things still seems to be thriving.

It's nice to see some Frenchies not in blue. I love that this game has French units in red, green and even yellow.

Attempting to buy our first home of our own meant my fundage was under limitations, so I'd resolved to try not to buy another army or two. Indeed, I was kind of hoping not to buy any figures at all, this time. But I couldn't help Mice-Elf, and bought a few Tony Barton 20mm Germans, to populate some of my steadily growing collection of WWII German vehicles. 

My wife keeps suggesting I get some bigger figures. She seems to be worried I'll go blind painting the littl'uns - 6mm, 10mm, 15mm, 20mm, etc. - and that she might even go blind just occasionally looking at them! So I bought some larger plastic Napoleonic cavalry figures, by Master Box. Just for her sake, you understand! The guy on stall told me they're 1/32, or 54mm.

A little later in the day, some rude Herbert decided to share his unsolicited and unwelcome opinions on my bartering technique at another stall, and I got so flustered I accidentally left these figures at the stall, when I left. Fortunately they were still there when I retraced my steps a bit later, 'pon realising what'd transpired.

I've only ever seen more modern stuff, mostly WWII, by Master Box. These looked like fun.

Some decals and a little bit of photo-etch for the growing WWII armour collection.

It was at the Milicast stand that this episode took place, as I was buying a bunch of WWII German decals, and even a little bit of photo-etch detailing. It was actually the latter that brought about the mildly unpleasant scenario, as, truth be told, I didn't really want the photo-etch stuff. The guy who served me was great. So I felt I experienced the full gamut of the hobbies social experience in those few minutes: a lovely guy selling me some stuff I was after, and some I wasn't - and prepared to haggle a little in respect of the latter - and the charming oaf who thought it was fine to be rude to a complete stranger.

This nameless Russo-Finnish WWII game looked simply amazing.

The guys behind this game had really gone to town on the scenery. Whoever you were, well done chaps!

This unwonted bit of acid banter contrasts unfavourably with my general experience on returning to the hobby. I see a lot of bitchy fighting going on online, and try to steer well clear of it. And indeed, the experience contrasts badly with my experiences of Salute in recent years, as a whole, where the norm is for people to either mind their own business, or to be very friendly. A little later in the day I bought an airbrush from Barwell Bodyworks, and a guy chipped in during the transaction with a far more welcome interjection, alerting me to the variety of supplementary gear I would doubtless soon be buying. 

My Russia 1812 library continues to grow.

As so often at Wargames shows, my main swag consisted of books. I still have large and mostly unpainted armies for Napoleon's 1812 campaign in Russia, and, funds allowing, I try and get anything I can at shows that will add to my knowledge of that endlessly fascinating campaign. This year I found and bought two new surveys of the whole campaign I'd never encountered before, by Foord and Riehn, plus an old Blandford paperback by Philip Haythornthwaite, on the uniforms of that campaign, and finally, the Frontline Books three-volume reprint of Paul Britten Austin's 1812 masterpiece. I already own the latter in a single volume version. But it's soooo good, and it looks so nice in this edition, that I figured it was worth having in both formats.

I had to climb up on a chair to get this aerial shot. But it was worth it, I think. Two Finnish pilots fly over their own lines, towards the Russian foe.

Skiing Finns. Very, um... cool!

I almost bought one of those magnifying visor doodads, on account of Teresa's (justified) concerns for my eyesight, but the only one I could find didn't feel right to me, so I left it, buying instead the Masterbox Napoleonics. I was sorely tempted, as I usually am, by some books on the Ken Trotman stand, but the stuff in question was way too expensive. And I had to exercise some almighty restraint elsewhere throughout the day. There's so much to tempt one, even on a day dominated by sci-fi, fantasy and steampunk.

This year I was less taken with the games. There were loads that were clearly brilliant, in their own ways, but many of these, where they were modern/fantasy/sci-fi/steampunk, just didn't appeal to me. My favourite games were the 40mm Napoleonic Peninsular game (Teresa was pleased to be able to identify Sharpe and Obadiah Hakeswill!), and the Russo-Finnish WWII winter game, which was a thing of bleak beauty.

A Russian plane heads for the Finns.

Apart from the theme of this years show not being to my tastes, I must admit I ... no, make that we (my wife felt the same), were distinctly unimpressed at the lack of seating/catering provided within the show itself. The catering part - just the one 'express' food and drink stall, where the queue was always too long whenever we passed it - I can (kind of) understand, there being so many options in Excel at large. But the almost complete absence of punter seating, that was, in my books, inexcusable.

Wargamers aren't, by and large - and this certainly holds true for me - the sportiest bunch. And what are those hapless wives and significant others to do, when they want a momentary break? For us there was something psychologically significant about the fact Teresa would have to actually leave the hall - if she wanted to be sure of a modicum of comfort - to take a break.

Anyway, as usual, much fun was had, (too) much money was spent, and we left exhausted but inspired. Thanks South London Warlords, keep up the good work.

I already had this version of Paul Britten Austin's masterpiece. But I thought £20 for the Frontline trilogy, below, was fine. What excuse can I think of? Well, it's a little more portable split in three.. erm, and, ummm... well it's just brilliant. Isn't that reason enough?